Beauty is in the eye of the beloved.
My grandma passed away this past year and while I was driving to get my coffee this morning I started daydreaming of her.
So many awesome memories came to mind.
She loved the color bright pink. She loved to laugh- loud. And it was awesome. She payed great attention to you when you were talking and always asked a lot of questions. She was fun. She loved taking trips. She always wanted her hair to look nice. And I always thought she was so beautiful. Always.
But I also always remember my grandma talking about her weight. Always wanting to lose weight. Always on a mission to be thinner.
It’s interesting to me, as I was driving my car this morning, for the first time it occurred to me.... My grandma, in my eyes, was always beautiful. No question about it to me. I never thought she had a “weight problem” or thought she needed to change her looks in any way. But as far back as I can remember I heard her talking about her weight.
I want to pause here and just say: my writing here is an exploration. In the moment. And I love to use writing to help me untangle things, look at them from different angels, process and express. Sometimes I share my writing publicly, lots of time not.
So I don’t necessarily plan to have a “lesson” at the end of this. I plan to trust my writing, my heart and mind, and see what happens, while I allow myself and release....and allow some flow to come through me. (And yeah, that typically means not much editing at all!).
Anyhow, I always saw my grandma as beautiful. Though I heard her always talking about her weight and wishing to loose some. And I never thought to myself “you know what she’s right”. Instead so just watched.... I think I was always taken aback.
And today I reflect.
Because the thing is, I remember her, still, as beautiful. And things like frustration come up for me. Not frustration at my grandma for her desires, but frustration at whatever outside forces that were making this beautiful woman feel not enough. Those influences that didn’t allow her to always see what I SAW when I looked at her....
I will always remember this one time when she was absolutely glowing. It must have been about 1990 and she wore a fuchsia pink dress and matching hat and she was laughing all day. We were in a sunny rose garden and she smiled as we took pictures.
I think she felt beautiful. I could feel it. She sparkled. She glowed.
She seemed comfortable in her skin and she was my beloved grandma. And my eyes saw the beauty in her shining through.
It’s interesting what memories decide to sear themselves into your brain....
Dear Grandma, I want you to know, you are my beloved grandma and you are perfectly beautiful.