GRATITUDE
If I had to pick one theme word for my life this is it. Some would say I filter the world through my Rose Colored Lenses. It’s true. On January 17, 1979 I was born to two teenagers…a 15 year old and a 16 years old. Some would think that was a rough start, believe me there were some tough aspects about it…parents not together, they were pressured to give me up for adoption, a mother who was a wild child and often made me feel forgotten. But I filtered it through my Rose Colored Lenses. When my mom was gone my grandparents took amazing care of me! And I gravitated toward the nurturing love of my 15 year old dad (who was just a boy really). He would pick me up for the weekend and would get down on the floor playing with me for hours. He would look me in the eyes and really connect. He would tuck me into bed by telling me wild bright stories of rainbows and “little people” as I drifted off to sleep gently. . I moved around A LOT as a kid. We went clear across the country. From California to Maine. I went to 12 schools before I graduated. Developing long term friendships was not something I was able to learn how to do. When we moved fro ME back to CA again I had to leave my best friend…my true soul sister. We sat on my cold wood staircase for hours holding each other and crying. We didn’t hold back the pain we felt. We knew things would never be the same after I moved away. Some might think it was rough to move so many times and start over constantly but my Rose Colored Lenses allowed me to see that I had the chance, at a very young age, to be exposed to many different people, many different ways of living, and that I was strong and adaptable as hell. I also didn’t engage in all the high-school BS and saw people for who they really were. . At the age of 15 I had a man break into our house in the middle of the night and try to rape me. His creepy voice and presence in my bedroom….gross. BUT I GOT AWAY. I SCARED HIM AWAY. Some might think that would traumatize me, make me fearful, make me feel violated. But my Rose Colored lenses allowed me to see that I am POWERFUL, to listen to my intuition, and to not allow his lower vibrational energy seep into my higher level consciousness. . At the age of 25 I had to have surgery to remove a tumor the size of a large egg from my spinal column for fear it could paralyze me. I almost lost my life in the middle of the night 3 days after surgery while in the ICU at Stanford Hospital. One might become fearful or feel terror during a near death moment but I remained calm, peaceful, and focused on breathing and my love -Ben. My Rose Colored lenses showed me through that experience I knew I had found the love of my life who would walk through anything with me. It also deepened my appreciation for how powerful and beautiful my body is and to have gratitude for EACH DAY I get to live on this earth. Each day is a bonus. . The one time in my life when my lenses were really hard to see through was when it took us 3 years to get pregnant….and then when we FINALLY did we lost 3 babies in a row. I remember sitting on our couch, my body exhausted from all the adrenaline of the loss, shaking, my heart feeling depleted of joy, and wondering if I would ever experience the one thing I had always wanted. Motherhood. . When we finally did get our little survivor and thriver, Benji, I shattered my tailbone during delivery. Talk about painful. It took me years to recover and I still have discomfort almost daily from it 7 years later. I was put on disability and had to walk away from the best and most fulfilling job I had ever had. This cut our income in 1/2 and made us have to sell our house. But I didn’t care! Fuck the house and the money. I had my baby and he needed me to be with him everyday so he could thrive. My Rose Colored lenses saw that I had become the mother I had always wanted in my life as a child. It also gave me all the confidence I needed to have my next two births at home. Those birth experiences were so powerful that they really helped define me and set me on the true trajectory of my life path. . The tough times in my life have been chances for me to trust and nourish that voice deep down inside, the one that grows stronger with each experience, the one that is wise beyond all else. My true inner knowing. . My wish for my 39th year is that I can show my children how to live in gratitude, as my dad has taught me to live. He has nurtured me and accepted me fully. He taught me to deeply trust my inner voice above all else and to never settle…and when he walked me down the long winding staircase on my wedding day, through the grand doors and out into the warm bright sunny day (tears freely flowing down both our faces) and brought me to the person who would also love and accept me for all that I am.... I knew that my heart was right. I loved myself, I could choose love for myself, and I deserved to give and recieve it. . I am so thankful. I can’t even count the ways. Three amazing kids, an incredible husband who I love fiercely, and a human journey that makes my heart feel full of life. Gratitude. I have always lived in gratitude. This allows me to see the path to love… and continue to choose it.