The mature women’s guide to evaluating if this is the right partner for you (Volume 1)…..
This is my story (at least part of it) for how I knew Ben was “the one”. I am asked often how I knew this, how we have such an amazing sex life after 20 years together, and how we are so connected.
:::::::
It was 2005, I was 25. I just had spinal surgery 2 weeks prior and we were finally home after a long hospital stay recovering in the ICU. Ben was nursing me back to health. I was only moving from my bed to the toilet during this particular period of recovery. I needed Ben’s help every step of the way, he had to help me sit up, help swing my legs around to the ground, and lift me to standing off the bed. Days and days of doing this. I honestly lost track what day it was, how many days it was, and even if it was day or night.
But I do remember one day during this time, actually one specific moment and incident is clear as day to me. Ben had just helped me to the toilet and I was sitting there for a while. My digestive system was slow functioning and I found myself sitting on the toilet for long periods of time trying to gently encourage it to poop. Well this time it was not working.
I felt myself starting to panic a little. How long had I been sitting there? Felt like forever. And now it was starting to hurt. Feeling like I was impacted with poop. Like it really needed to pass but I just couldn’t. And I was feeling scared. And I was feeling vulnerable. And a little hopeless. Suddenly the pain was incredibly intense!
At that moment Ben knocked on the bathroom door and asked if I was ok. He said I had been in there for a while.
I told him what was happening and asked for some water. I was sweating and moaning. And after that I asked him for some gloves and lubrication. I tried to help myself with the impaction and it didn’t work.
Fuck.
He knelt down and looked into my eyes. He was so present with me.
I looked into his eyes, and I took a deep breath, and I asked him if he would put a glove on and help me. yes, I was scared AF. yes, I was at my most vulnerable.
BUT I DESPERATELY NEEDED HIM TO SHOW UP AND TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING. I NEEDED HIM TO BE THERE FOR ME. I NEEDED TO FEEL 100% SAFE. I NEEDED TO BE SEEN AS REAL.
So I checked in with myself….. Everything in my body was saying this is safe, he is safe, he will care for me, I can trust him. I can be human in this moment and he will be too. I had ZERO doubt.
It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t sexy, it wasn’t fun.
It was real though (….we all poop every dang day!)
So Ben put on the glove. We took some deep breaths together. We slowed way down. I relaxed. And he let me be in complete control.
I needed to have exquisite communication with him, and we needed to work together as a TEAM with me in the lead, as he put his finger in my anus to remove the impaction.
I was at my most desperate, my most vulnerable, and he showed the fuck up for me.
-->Here’s the thing: He saw me as a HUMAN BEGING. This right here was one of the moments when I fell deeper in love and deeper in trust with him.
My gosh, that was a moment when I could have been in utter humiliation and yet I felt SO empowered and SO cared for.
So this is what I want to ask women who come to me with the question: “How did you know Ben was the one?”
I want to turn the table and ask these questions: “Can you see yourself being your utter most vulnerable with this person? And can you see him/her/them sticking their finger up your anus as you cried and so desperately needed help? I mean really allow them to look right at your poop filled anus and not freak out? And can you see being able to have exquisite communication with that person in that moment? And can you see that person allowing you to remain fully empowered through this experience? And can that person show up for you as a real, raw human being right then and there? And then, from there, are there romantic feelings such as sexual attraction and desire?”
If yes to those, then this is a suitable candidate for being “the one” for you.
::::
Of course i know there are many many other factors in picking a partner as far as compatibility and such, and there were many other things that lead me to falling in love with Ben. But I want to invite you to add this simple question to your evaluation list.
“Could I see this person putting their finger in my anus in my time of desperation such as Crystal had?”