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DO I TRUST?

DO I TRUST?

I just had an incredible weekend of deep connection while at a women’s intensive workshop… We were a group of 15 women gathered in a gorgeous yoga studio on the 7th Floor of a beautiful old San Francisco building. The question was asked: what do you desire to get from this weekend?

I put my hand to my heart, closed my eyes, and took a deep gentile breath… “I want to deepen into myself and my practice of self trust, allowing whatever wants to arise to come, and deepen my connection with my audience as I speak from the stage.”

And so the weekend began! I was also assisting the co-leaders of the workshop. So as I was leaning into and experiencing all of the public speaking practices we were immersed in, I was also setting up our space and cleaning up our space, and tending to little things in the background that needed tending. I loved it all AND it was a lot of work. I was up for it! I was alive with energy. And the physical labor kept me connected to my body.

With all the tending I was doing to helping, it left little time at all to work on “my message”. Little to no time for reflection. huh. interesting.

There was a moment that first morning, where I was sitting amongst the circle of women, hearing the very alive city down below, after having done a beautiful guided meditation, my journal and pen in hand, and the first thought that came to me as I sat in my chair…. was once again… TRUST. Self trust. Good! I like it! Let’s go with that for the weekend then. I have no time to second guess. My talk will be on that. Done. haha! So I wrote about it a little in my journal.

Next volunteers were asked to come up to the front of the room and share with us their thoughts, messages, and ideas. They-were-EPIC. So beautiful. So heartfelt. They were SPECIAL. I loved every-single-one-of-them and I cried and laughed and loved and felt deeply.

Then suddenly I had a thought…. “Is my message good enough? Is my message noble enough? Do I *deserve* to be here?”

Followed suddenly by…. “I have a deep desire to stand up there and talk about myself right now. Me. My body. My mind. My thoughts.”

I decided to write those very thoughts down. I decided to write down as many of those thoughts, those self-questioning thoughts, as I could capture over the rest of the weekend.

“Do I have value? Do i share my story? Is it important?”

I then followed up with, “Am I special?” then, “Yes, yes I am special.” smile on my face, heart full. then, What if people could actually hear me saying to myself “yes, I am special” “Do I dare go up on stage and declare ‘I’M SPECIAL!” in front of everyone”??? “I’m special and I know it.” ??? Do-I-dare??? huh

Then onto figuring out lunch and logistics and planning and prepping and off to have an amazing deeply connected lunch with 2 old friends, who I used to work with in the city.

And back to the workshop…..

I listened, I learned, I kept myself in presence, and I continued to make a note in my journal as any self-questioning came up. I noticed that although I had many self-questioning moments, I very quickly behind them had just as many self-celebrating moments. huh “Who am I to say this?” <—— this very human thought followed by “I’m special” <—— also very human thought followed by shame “how could I think I’m special? is that being self-centered?” “No” My body said “no, it is not self-centered BUT it is super edgy to claim this PUBLICLY.”

AND how about this…. I decided to dig a little deeper….

I revisited the idea of going up on stage, and talking about how it might feel to tell people out loud “i’m special” and not feel shame about it. I wondered. I wondered, “Could I trust these women here in this circle with me to accept me, for me, absolutely?” YES, absolutely yes. I can trust that. I wondered, “Do I trust myself to take the stage and SAY the words ‘I’m special’ in front of them?” okkkkkrrrr, yeah, yeah, I can trust myself to do that. It’s harder but YES I can do that. Then I wondered, “DO I trust MY THOUGHTS?” HARD STOP. “Do I trust my deep inner thoughts.” “Do I trust myself to go up there? Do I trust my thoughts before, durning, and after?” “Will my inner deepest thoughts support me as I stand up there and FEEL and BE and BE SEEN FEELING ME. BE SEEN TRUSTING ME?” Holy shit. Deeeeeeep breaths. Deep breaths. Slowing everything down. Embodying. Embodying all the feelings. Slowing down to process this question I am asking myself. Slowing down to FEEL this question….

Can I go up on stage and say, no, claim, no KNOW and fully stand in: “I’m special.” deep inhale. tear in the corners of my eyes. yes, yes I can.

You see, MOST PEOPLE BELIEVE IT IS SELF-CENTERED, SELF-ABSORBED, SELFISH TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF, to take up space…. as if there is such a thing as taking up “too much space” ….but the truth is….when you talk about yourself you are inviting others into TRUE, deep intimacy with you.

AND here’s the other thing…. if you don’t trust your own deep inner thoughts, you won’t “GO THERE” when speaking and sharing about yourself. You won’t show up fully. You will show up disconnected.

I didn’t want to show up disconnected. I wanted to show the women in circle with me and myself (and quite frankly, my daughter) that it is ok to show self-love. It is ok to nurture thoughts of self-love, self-kindness, and self-compassion.

We have all kinds of thoughts throughout our days. All so-very-human-thoughts. So many of them are so fucking vulnerable. And *sharing them* is so fucking vulnerable.

AND we can *choose to nurture* the self-shaming thoughts or we can *choose to nurture* the self-loving thoughts. I choose self-love. {{The biggest lesson in my life in choosing and TRUSTING my self-knowing thoughts was during my near death experience in 2005. I have written about this in an earlier blog post and it really drives home my belief and my journey in DEEP SELF TRUST because I was the only one who could save myself even though I was in Stanford ICU in a hospital room filled with top medical experts of the world. Amongst them, I was still the expert on me. (you can read that story on my website).}}

So on day 3 of that workshop, when it was my turn to step on stage and deliver my talk to those 14 other women. I stood there. Took my time. Made eye contact with each women. All senses alive in my body. Every hair. Waiting for all the edges to show up (and they did!) and said “I’m special”. And it felt good. And it wasn’t selfish.

THIS is what I want to inspire you with and leave you with today..... This is my vision, for you, for my community, and for my own children:

I long for deep connections in my life. I long to witness deep connections among others. I deeply desire more than anything for people to TRUST themselves and to SAY what they want to say, ask for what they need and live full out! So my challenge to you is this: Can you trust yourself more today, can you trust yourself to speak about yourself from that deeper place today, can you do this? Can you even do this 1% more today? 1% more self trust today? 🔻 🔻 🔻 PS> I want you to know I’m here for you as you explore this part of yourself. It is also a deep desire for me to be there for women. To coach women. To show up for and hold space for women. I have 2 spots only. I have opened up my personal coaching practice and am accepting clients starting now. You and me. One on one. Let’s get some work done. Let’s talk about leadership, confidence, self-love, how to hold space for yourself, how to trust yourself, how to work your business, how to embody your business. I’m just a phone call away, so let’s talk and see if this is the right path for us to take together. See comment below for the link to get on my schedule for an exploration call.

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